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Toilet Paper Encyclopedia: Modern History 101

Jan 24, 2014

Straight from the Funny Toilet Paper Stories section of the world-famous Toilet Paper Encyclopedia:

How did late-nighter Johnny Carson attribute to the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 1973

It all actually started as a joke. Johnny Carson was doing his typical NBC Tonight Show monologue on December 19, 1973. His writers decided to include a joke based on Wisconsin congressman Harold Froelich’s quote which they had heard earlier that day. Froelich claimed that the federal government was falling behind in getting bids to supply toilet paper and “The United States may face a serious shortage of toilet tissue within a few months”.

Johnny Carson’s quote: “You know what’s disappearing from the supermarket shelves? Toilet paper. There’s an acute shortage of toilet paper in the United States.”

The next morning, many of the 20 million television viewers ran to the supermarket and bought all of the toilet paper they could find. By noon, most stores were out of stock! Carson later apologized for scaring the public, and retracted his quote. (NY Useless Information)

Timmy The Talking Toilet Paper Roll

The following is a story that was submitted by Laura Shanley, a children’s book author, to “themestream.com” on July 4th 2000:

Timmy was born on a hot summer day in a toilet paper factory in Boise, Idaho. Originally, he was rather plain looking, but shortly after birth he was dyed a lovely shade of yellow. After an exciting ride on a conveyor belt, Timmy was perfumed and packaged along with eight other rolls, and put into a box to be shipped to the grocery store.

Tushy, Timmy’s best friend, curled up next to him and tried to get some sleep but something was bothering him. “I’m worried,” Tushy said, “I’ve heard rumors about what happens to some rolls of toilet paper.” “What kinds of rumors?” Timmy asked, anxiously. “Well… I heard someone say something about a slow, watery death. You don’t think that could happen to us, do you, Timmy?” said Tushy. “Of course not,” replied Timmy, “We’re two-ply, the best of the best. We got nothing to worry about.”

Soon Timmy and Tushy found themselves on the grocer’s shelves. Day after day they watched shoppers walk by – ladies with babies, old men holding onto their carts to keep from falling over, little kids who knocked things off the shelves. Then one day a man picked up Timmy’s package. “Hooray! Hooray!” all the rolls shouted.

Timmy laughed as he rode in the shopping cart. It felt just like the conveyor belt. When the man got home he put Timmy and the others in a dark closet and closed the door. Timmy was very sad.

But the next day the main took out he package, opened it up, and took Timmy out. He carried Timmy in the bathroom and put him on the toilet paper holder. Around and around Timmy went. “Wheeeeee!” Timmy yelled. He never knew life could be this fun. What happened next  is too sad to write about in a story for children. We’ll just say that Timmy went swimming.

The end.

 

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